Chronicles of a Monster-in-Law

To Catch a Mother-In-Law

2011-04-13T15:52:00.000-07:00

I’ve realized that I really need to work on keeping my blog peeps as updated as my twitter tweeps are (my shortcomings don’t mean I love you any less my blog peeps!). (btw if you don’t follow me on twitter you can find me at @my_motherinlaw)

Now, on to the point! If you followed me on twitter you would know three things:

1) About a month ago hubby and I found out that my ever so darling mother-in-law snuck a key that we gave to another relative, made a copy of it for herself and then put the relatives key back thinking that no one would be the wiser.

2) Based on this revelation, the fact that hubby and I are renters and don’t own a home yet and we were already kind of wanting to move, we did just that. We moved. We moved and we didn’t tell MIL that we were moving or where we were moving to!!!

3) My joy was short lived. Yep, I know….sorry I just burst the happy bubble from #2. After hubby and I had not been answering her calls for a bit, MIL pounced upon a poor unsuspecting dear whom she knows that hubby and I stay in touch with. Well in order to avoid unnecessary drama, hubby and I hadn’t told this poor dear about our trials and tribulations so when MIL slyly asked her if she knew anything new about us, the poor dear unwittingly spilled the beans. MIL now knows that we’ve moved AND….to my horror…. Even what street we live on.

My solace today has simply been that she doesn’t know which house on the street we are now living in. Whilst I was telling my sorrows to my coworker we came up with a brilliant plan!

Yep. That’s a motion sensor camera, baby! Hubby is going to install that puppy and focus it on our back door. Why the back door you ask? Because the front is visible to the street and sneaky MIL would never try and break in somewhere so obvious.

Now the question is….do I hope that we get pictures so she’s caught red handed or hope that we don’t get pics bc she hasn’t figured out which house is ours….

Drugged

2011-03-04T13:00:00.000-08:00

Drugged

My husband was a lil’ ADD as a child. OK, maybe he was a lot ADD…. Anyway hubby was prescribed Ritalin as a young lad to help him in school.

What happened then?

Funny that you asked.

Darling mother-in-law self diagnosed herself with ADD and started taking pills from her child’s prescription.

So glad she got the help that she needed.

Valentines Day - For Mothers or for Lovers?

2011-02-14T13:16:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine’s Day! A holiday for lovers. This takes me back to the first year that hubby and I were married; my mother-in-law was really upset with my hubby because I was getting more attention from him than she was. We usually acknowledge our families on Valentine’s Day to share the love but she was upset and told hubby that she wanted an equal amount of time with him, roses, a card and a nice dinner too. I love family but lol... I don’t know... I find it just a little bit (really, really extremely and incredibly) gross that MIL wanted the treatment of a lover. :S

Hospital - Day 3

2011-02-03T08:08:00.000-08:00

Still in the hospital…..husband is still pitiful, weak and malnourished. The doctors have started him on a clear liquid diet instead of just ice chips but he’s still very tired and sleeping a lot. After the morning debacle, Mother-In-Law retreated to a hidden cave somewhere to simmer in her rage at my ABSOLUTE NERVE to not let her give her fully grown adult son a shower like he was suddenly 2 years old again. I really have mixed feelings about this sometimes…. I want to tell her just how much he didn’t want her around either but then I feel cruel and convicted. But is it worse to let her continue to operate in her delusion that he actually likes her and wants her around?..... I don’t know. I did tell her that he asked me to keep her out of the room. Saying more than that is a little unnecessarily mean….

What is the balance between these two things?

1. Honoring her as a mother and respecting the fact the she did birth the wonderful human being who is now my husband.

2. Recognizing that she is mean, manipulative, nosy, controlling and desperately trying to have a co-dependent relationship with my hubby.

Seriously. If anyone has any great words of insight, leave a comment or shoot me an email. My humanity wants to cut her off and never see her again.

ANYWAY. Back from my rabbit trail to the story. …. The next morning MIL showed up at the hospital without calling, again. Hubby was still asleep so I told her that it really wasn’t a good time for her to be there and that she couldn’t come in while he was sleeping. She huffed and puffed for a minute but I guess after the previous day she knew that I wasn’t going to be so easy to get past.

But seriously, who comes to visit sick people in the morning when they might still be asleep??? Isn’t is sick people who need their sleep more than anyone?

That afternoon hubby’s grandmother came to visit him. While she was there she got a phone call from guess who! Mother-In-Law! Darling grandmother is a lil’ hard of hearing and so the volume on her cell phone is turned way up, thus allowing me to hear both sides of the conversation. What joy. It took all of about 15 seconds for her to start telling grandmother that I had bullied her out of the hospital room while hubby lay inside crying out for her.

Riiiiiiiight.

She went on and on saying how rude I was and that she knew that I didn’t want anyone there at all, I just wanted hubby all for myself.

Ummmm no. Most visitors are quite welcome. You’re the only one we don’t want, oh delusional one.

Poor grandmas face fell farther and farther as she insisted to my MIL, “I just don’t see how that could be.” “Are you sure?” “That doesn’t sound like her.” ----She wasn’t saying my name, she didn’t know that I could hear the other side of the conversation and knew that they were talking about me. So grandma went on to protest in my favor but MIL insisted that I was trying to keep everyone out of the room. Hubby could hear the whole thing too and while grandma continued on the phone we whispered to each other and made a decision for the greater good…..

We decided that in order to make sure that grandma in no way felt unwelcome that we would prove MIL wrong in the most dramatic way possible and make her eat her words. When grandma got off the phone we informed her that we were ordering lunch for everyone (except poor hubby who could only have clear liquids) and inviting MIL to come join us. Grandma thought it was a great idea and I called MIL up on the phone. MIL answered and gave me an icy “Hello.”, I put the most cheer in my voice that I could muster and invited her to join us for lunch.

Silence…..

When she recovered, MIL stuttered and said that she supposed that she could make some time for us and come.

When she arrived, MIL could hardly look at any of us, especially grandma. As we were divvying up the food I overheard grandma say under her breath to MIL, “I knew you were wrong.”

My favorite posts of 2010

2011-01-13T08:12:00.000-08:00

Now that we are well on our way into 2011, I've taken a few minutes to slow down and look over my blog posts from 2010. It's funny because as I've gotten to know some lovely ladies here on the blog and on my twitter (@my_motherinlaw), I feel like they are old friends that I've known and talked to forever but my blog only started in June 2010, not even a full year ago! I'm so happy that I decided to start blogging. This has been therapeutic for me, being able to vent out about the crazy things that my mother-in-law does and in turn getting the amazing support in blog comments and on twitter that let me know that
1) I'm not crazy
2) I'm not alone
3) and then lastly I have gotten some wonderful advice from the lovelies that have taken the time to comment or write me a note. I've taken some of that advice, though some of you don't know yet (blogs coming later :) ).

It was tough but I've narrowed it down and picked some of my favorite blog posts for 2010 for your enjoyment. :)

Meatballs

What’s in a rose? Alternately titled: You’ve got to be freaking kidding me!!

But everyone gets married under an arch!!!

You didn't REALLY want that.....did you?

Conversations with the Crazy Fairy

Angela Denise

Our First Christmas

2010-12-24T19:04:00.000-08:00

So here it is, Christmas Eve. My thoughts are drawn back to the very first Christmas that hubby and I spent together as a married couple, a mere four years ago. We were giddy and full of the Christmas spirit. I even bought a special ornament to commemorate our very first Christmas.

It was with that, all is well with the world and peace on earth, good will to men that we made a decision…..

You see, MIL had been asking us for weeks if she could go with us to my parents house, where we were planning to spend Christmas. This is the woman who one time when she asked hubby to come clean her house for her and he was unable to, launched into a tirade about how his wife was getting more of his time then his mother. She told him that the mother and the wife were supposed to be of equal importance in his life and he was not doing enough for her.

Yes, I’m serious. She really said that. And one can only assume that since she said that, she really believes it. Hubby tried his best to tell her how wrong she was, up to and including pulling out Genesis 2:24 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh”

But that didn’t really help. The thought of not having her baby boy with her on Christmas, when she was still desperately trying to have a codependent relationship with him, horrified her.

So we decided that we would let her come with us. I called my mom to ask her if that was ok because MIL had really crossed the line with my parents at our wedding and my mother who is gracious in ways I desperately hope to be, said that MIL could come.

It was also around this time that hubby and I moved from our tiny little one bedroom apartment into our first townhouse. One night we took a break from getting things moved in and set up and we went out to dinner with our pastor and his family. After dinner we invited them to come back to the townhouse and have a tour. When we pulled into the driveway the headlights on our car illuminated the shadows and there sat MIL, on our front doorstep.

MIL had decided that she had waited long enough to see our new home (three days) and that she would simply show up at our door. We couldn’t just tell her to go away so we let her come in with us and I began showing MIL and the pastors’ wife around the house. As we went from room I was telling them what color we planned to paint the different areas, how we were arranging the furniture, etc.

Everything that I said was wrong. When I said we were going to paint one room a dark mocha color, MIL said “That’s a horrible idea. You need to paint it cream.”….the next room “Why would you paint it that color, white is so much better, it matches everything.” …..the next room “Don’t put that chair over there. That’s stupid, it obstructs foot traffic. Move that over here.” The pastors wife just kept flashing me looks of sympathy. She had already heard some of the stories about MIL.

Finally when we were almost all the way through the house, I stopped trying to just ignore her comments and said, “No. You know what. I like the color that we picked out and that’s what we’re going to paint it.”

MIL’s face contorted into a twisted scowl, a look that said she would spit fire at me if she could and she exclaimed “ Well! I won’t stay where my help is not appreciated!” Then she turned on her heel and stomped out the door.

Later that night she called hubby’s phone and left him a voicemail saying that she felt so sorry for him. She said, she could see that he had married a manipulative and controlling witch.

Yes. A witch….me…..for having an opinion about paint colors.

She went on to slander me and to lay on the “I’m so sorry for you, you poor abused dear.” to my hubby who laughed as he had me listen to the voicemail. Hubby said that he was a little worried that she thought that he would care about something like paint colors or that I would lord anything over his head, he apologized to me on her behalf (I love that man) and we decided that MIL would not be going with us for Christmas after all.

And here we are today….Christmas Eve four years later, and in case you’re wondering, MIL has never come with us to my parents’ house for Christmas. We are safe and sound, half the country away from her. Merry Christmas. :)

Hospital Day 2, Part 2

2010-12-13T14:00:00.000-08:00

Continued from The Hospital – Day 2, part 1

After the standoff with my mother-in-law trying to get into hubby’s shower (pat myself on the back for handling it well), MIL went off down the hall to the hospital waiting room. When I went back into the room hubby had woken up because of MIL’s raised voice in the hall and I told him everything that had happened. He shook his head sadly and said that apparently he was going to have to tell her that he didn’t want her in the room since she wouldn’t believe me. I didn’t have any better suggestions so as much as I wanted her to just have to accept it from me, I agreed with him. Then I helped hubby get out of bed and into the shower.

For those of you with ANY experience at all with this, you know that when you’re in the hospital, showers take longer than usual. You know, it just might be because you’re feeling really awful and you aren’t moving quickly……. stuff like that. Hey, call me crazy.

Well apparently hubby’s shower took much too long for MIL. Right after hubby got out of the shower, I had helped him get into a fresh hospital gown, he lay down in the bed and I was drying his hair with a towel. Suddenly the door to the room busts open and in marches mother-in-law! She shot a withering glare as she rushed to the side of the bed and angrily said to me, “Well, I see that he’s out of the shower.” Then like flipping a light switch she turned with an angelic gaze to hubby and turned on the sprinklers. With tears in her eyes she looked at him and said, “Oh, all I ever wanted to do was just to say hello to you.” She leaned down to kiss his cheek and looked at me triumphantly out of the corner of her eye. Hubby said hello to her and then said “Mom, you know, I told –DW(me)- that I didn’t want anyone in the room this morning, especially not while I was going to be in the shower.”.

MIL immediately stiffened as she looked at me, I’m sure she was blaming this on me too…. somehow… she looked at him and said “Well I’m glad you told me that because I thought that it was all her and she was just saying what SHE wanted to do.” …..yes, despite the fact that I had specifically said to her that HE said that HE didn’t want anyone in the room….. anyway (lost cause). Hubby looked at me hopelessly and I just shrugged my shoulders.

I mean seriously, what are you supposed to do with someone who you don't want to completely alienate because they're family but at the same time they do things that are completely out of line?? I mean hellooooo, SHOVING me??! ....I have to admit, I did daydream about what it would have been like if I had called hospital security on her for that one and I almost almost almost wished that I had done it.

Not long after that hubby’s grandmother and some other family members came to visit him. We were saved because as grandma was leaving she look at MIL and said, “Now come one, he’s had enough company for today and he needs to sleep. Let’s go.” MIL sputtered for a minute trying to say that she wanted to say but thankfully grandma insisted, she knows what MIL is like and I think she knew that we needed help getting her to leave.

The Hospital – Day 2, part 1

2010-11-23T10:27:00.000-08:00

It’s just the way that hospitals are. Hubby and I barely got any sleep during the night. Nurses were coming in and out administering medicine, nurse techs were coming in and out to check his vital signs and draw blood so that they could continually monitor levels in his blood of too many things to mention. I finally gave up on trying to sleep around 7 a.m. when the nurse said that she would be coming soon to get hubby’s IV ready for him to take a shower. I left hubby in the bed and went to the hospital cafeteria to get some coffee. When I returned hubby had drifted back to sleep and I took up residence in a chair next to the bed to sip on my coffee. It was peacefully silent.

Then, from my chair I noticed the door opening for what I thought would be the nurse coming in to prepare hubby for the shower. I was wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!

Without even knocking, the door opened and in marched mother-in-law. I frantically motioned with my hands for her to stop and not say anything. Every moment of sleep for hubby was precious and he did not need to be woken up again. MIL frowned at me and reluctantly backed out into the hallway as I stood up and walked out to talk to her.

I closed the hospital door behind me so that hubby wouldn’t be disturbed and turned towards MIL.

MIL immediately demanded to know why I didn’t want her to come in. I explained to her that while my husband was able to, he should sleep as much as possible. Then I made a BIG mistake.

I told MIL that we would really prefer it if visitors called before they came by. MIL’s face transformed, her entire head seemed to turn beet red with rage and her voice trembled as she said “You need to understand something RIGHT NOW. I am not a VISITOR! I am FAMILY!!! And if my son needs me then I am GOING to be IN THERE!!!!”

I took a deep breath and instead of telling her exactly where to shove it, I quietly told her that hubby was not ready for any visitors yet (MIL’s eyes flashed when I said the word visitor again) I explained that he was going to be showering soon and therefore getting dressed, undressed etc., not a time for people to be in the room. I said I wasn’t asking her to leave but that there was a waiting room down the hall and if she could just wait there until he was showered and had his clothes back on that I would come and get her.

MIL looked me straight in the eye and said that she was sure that hubby would need help in the shower because he was so weak. Puzzled, I said that he definitely would need help and that I was going to be helping him. MIL glared at me and said that SHE could help him shower and not me.

Her. Help her adult son shower. Instead. Of. His. Wife.

Now I was really shocked at her thought processes. I looked her straight back in the eye and said no, I would be helping him shower.

MIL looked like she could strangle me and with saying another word she reached towards my arm and shoved me with all her might. My jaw dropped in shock as I quickly regained my balance in front of the door. MIL stepped towards me again and tried to reach around behind me to grab the door handle while she shoved me with her shoulder to try and move me out of her way.

I didn’t say a word, I planted my feet and firmly blocked the doorway (thankfully MIL is not very strong) Then I placed my hand on the door handle to block hers, and with the most commanding voice I could muster I told her that she could not come in the room, she could go to the waiting room and that I would let her know when hubby was done with his shower.

At that moment a nurse turned the corner into the hall. MIL stopped shoving and gave me a withering look as she turned and walked down the hall to the waiting room.

Next Blog: Hospital – Day 2, Part 2

Day 1 - The Hospital

2010-11-08T13:15:00.000-08:00

It’s been almost a month since I posted a blog, those of you who follow me on twitter know why. I released a pretty emotional and snarky tweet stream at the end of September while sitting in a hospital room with my husband, dreading the imminent arrival of my mother-in-law.

*************************************************************************************

Here’s the tweet stream:

Alright guys, it's venting time. Prepare for the flood gates to open.

I will not be posting a blog this week because I am in the hospital with my husband. I haven't gotten to this part of our story in the blog

That's the funny thing about trying to catch up to present day with all the back stories of stuff that's happened.

My husband has an auto-immune condition called ulcerative collitis. He was diagnose earlier this year.

During that time we were in and out of doctors offices and the hospital ALOT. My mother-in-law succesfully made that time H-E-L-L.

Suffice it to say (I will blog about this in the future) but during that time she tried to physically force her way in to his shower.

Suffice it to say (I will blog about this in the future) but during that time she tried to physically force her way in to his shower.

And she tried to go behind our backs and get the nurses to give him treatments and tests without telling us about it.

She told them that they should "just do it because I'm his mother"

She called her entire family and called me all kinds of horrible names because I wouldn't leave the hospital so she could be alone w/her son

Remember my recent blog where she tried to get our house key? She tried that again WHILE WE WERE AT THE HOSPITAL.

And that's just the highlight reel.

It sucks enough to have this going on with his health as it is, without having her ....just being her.... in the midst of it all.

So I just gave her the obligatory call to let her know that he's in the hospital and now I'm bracing myself for her arrival.

Hubby told me to let her know that it's not necessary for her to come right now but oooooh no. She will be here when she wants, as she wants

So send me ur prayers & well wishes over the next few days...it's very likely I'll be on here venting again. This is a special kind of hell.

***********************************************************************************

I thought that in light of my twitter rant I should tell you guys what happened during the hospital visit I was referencing, the blog has only reached year one out of four years of…. “fun”… lol so I’m breaking out of chronological order a little bit here.

Here is Day One:

After over a month of medical mess hubby’s doctor decided to admit him to the hospital. At the hospital, after hours of tests and stress galore we were waiting for results and for a room to be prepared so I started making calls to let our family and friends know what was going on. When I called my mother-in-law I told her that we didn’t have a room yet but that I would call her when we got one and hubby was moved there. About thirty minutes later the room was ready and an orderly came to transport hubby who was too weak to walk.

When we got close to the room, I swear, I could feel her presence. We opened the door and there she was, firmly planted in a chair with an air that stunk to high heaven and a look that said, I got here first, I claim this territory! I guess she decided not to wait for my call.

Once hubby was in the bed and the orderly had left the room mother-in-law told me that she was sure that I had lots of things to do and that I could leave the hospital now and she would stay with hubby.

---Don’t even get me started… she had the nerve to tell me to leave, that she should be the one at my husbands side instead of me. His WIFE.

I told her that I didn’t have anything that I needed to do and that I was not planning to go anywhere. Her eyes flashed in anger and she didn’t say anything else.

A little while later the nurse came in with all of the admissions paperwork that they hadn’t had time to do earlier. When she asked hubby who he wanted his medical surrogate to be mother-in-law leaned forward in her chair, looked at hubby, then at the nurse. Right as she opened her mouth to speak hubby told the nurse that I was his medical surrogate. Mother-in-law sat back angrily as I gave the nurse my information. When the nurse showed hubby his hospital pin number, the number that anyone requesting medical information about him would need, mother-in-law leaned forward again and looked at the paper, I could see her lips moving as she said the numbers under her breath to memorize them.

I made a note in my head to have them change the number as soon as she was gone.

After the paperwork was done the nurse separated the patient copies from her copies, as she moved to hand the papers to me mother-in-law reached out and took the papers from her hand. I looked at mother-in-law and without saying anything I held my hand out to her, she looked at me blankly and feigned innocence saying “Oh. Did you want these?” I answered yes and her blank look changed to a glare as she thrust the papers towards me and sunk back into her chair.

The nurse left to file her paperwork and as soon as she was gone mother-in-law began chatting gaily with hubby. Poor hubby was feeling so horrible and so tired that he couldn’t even talk. He turned his head towards her and made a valiant effort to listen but he kept passing out from exhaustion. Mother-in-law was obliviously un-phased and kept talking with him, virtually ignoring me across the room. It went on like that for hours, hubby passing out and then waking back up every few minutes, trying to stay awake as mother-in-law chatted on. Not wanting to interfere in case hubby wanted his mom there, I didn’t say anything. Finally just before 9:00. (yes, 9:00 at night) hubby gathered what little strength he had and told mother-in-law that he appreciated her coming but that he was very tired and asked if she could maybe just come back tomorrow so he could get some sleep. Mother-in-law was momentarily offended but she quickly recovered and said, “Oh. Is it because I’m talking? You might not be able to believe it but I can sit quietly. Don’t worry, you just sleep and I’ll stay here.” Hubby was so worn out that he had fallen asleep again before she even finished speaking. She looked at me with a gloating grin on her face and didn’t move from her chair.

I will give her credit, she kept from talking for about three minutes (an eternity for her) and hubby slept peacefully for those three minutes. Then the volcano bubbled over and she started chatting again. Hubby was jolted awake by her shrill voice and I had had enough. I stood up and told her that he needed to sleep and that we would see her tomorrow, hubby chimed in, his voice was weak and tired and said “Bye mom.”

Mother-in-law glared at me, gathered her things and stomped towards the door. Before she walked out she turned around and beckoned with her finger for me to come to her. I got up and walked out the door with her. In the hall she turned to me and said that she had had a vision and she knew that the doctors were wrong about what disease hubby had. She said that she had seen inside hubby’s body in her mind and that what was really going on was that his intestines had twisted up around themselves. She told me that he could die and that he was going to have to have major surgery to fix it. Then she told me that I needed to tell the doctor that he needed to do the surgery right away since I was the medical surrogate and she turned and walked away leaving me speechless.

Let’s just ignore the fact that hubby had already had x-rays, and MRI and all kinds of scans and the doctors knew exactly what was wrong…. Mother-in-law with all her (absolutely none) medical training had decided that she knew better than the doctors.

The next blog - Day 2 will show you just how much she was convinced.

Conversations with the Crazy Fairy

2010-09-28T15:10:00.000-07:00

….continued from (Train the Wife Right), so if you didn’t read (Train the Wife Right) yet, you really should because this will make much more sense.

After hubby and I had a talk about how unbelievable mother-in-law is and how she’d crossed a line and I generally had a minute to vent in a “how dare she say something bad about my mommy, I will shank that foo’ ” type of way, we decided to listen to the voicemail.

The voicemail was dripping with sweetness and sugar. MIL’s voice was so kind and benevolent sounding she probably could have beat out Mother Theresa for the Nobel Peace Prize. She was calling just to say that she felt the overwhelming desire to clean our house for us.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

So when we left for our trip MIL wanted us to just leave a key under our doormat so that she could let herself in and clean the house.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

Now. Let me explain something. If you didn’t read (The Bad Son) you should, because then you would know that this 50 something year old woman does not even clean her own house, her 70 something year old mother (hubby’s grandma) or sometimes hubby’s aunt cleans her house for her.

So.

I am supposed to believe that this woman who will not even clean her own house and feels no guilt in getting GRANDMA to clean for her…..suddenly wants to clean my house for me?

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

No way. You see, MIL is what you might call nosy (also what you might call insane), she has an uncontrollable urge to know EVERYTHING, especially something she could use for good old juicy gossip. And she snoops. In fact, she has been caught opening and reading other peoples bank statements and going through my underwear drawer….that’s right, my u.n.d.e.r.w.e.a.r. drawer….what did she say, you might ask? She thought something of hers might be in my drawer. And the bank statement thing? She said, “Oh, I know I shouldn’t have but I was just so curious, I couldn't help myself. And besides I just knew he was being irresponsible with his money and now I have proof!”

Proof for who? The crazy fairy that she talks to at night?

Anyway….back to the point….because of these instances, hubby and I never gave his mom a key to our place. We didn’t consider her trustworthy enough. So, what did she do? She thought of a way to try and get a key anyway. She was so desperate to get in and snoop that she actually offered to clean our house for us. Now, I’m not sure if she would have actually cleaned, or not cleaned and came up with some reason why she wasn’t able to….either way she would have had a key.

Needless to say we did not leave her a key, which she was very upset about (big surprise). And she thoroughly let us know how upset she was.

Little did I know that this would be the first of many times that she would think of a sneaky way to try and get a key to our house.

I’m telling you, I have to be on my toes with this one. If I’m not aware, one of her plots might work!

Train the Wife Right

2010-09-21T06:01:00.000-07:00

The summer after my hubby and I got married we decided to go visit my family who lives nearly half the country away. We took time off of work, arranged for our indoor plants to be watered by a friend and got our car serviced for the road trip. Little did we know that we weren’t the only ones preparing for the trip.

A few days before we were supposed to leave, hubby came home from work and told me that his mom had called him to discuss our trip.

Why? I asked. …What could she possibly have to discuss?

He went on to explain that mother-in-law had called to give him a to-do list for while we were at my parents’ house. The first thing that she wanted him to do was to watch my mom clean. She explained to him that she thought that I was horrible at cleaning and after all, she said it’s my job as a woman to keep the house spotless for my husband. She said that he deserved better than that from me. (I’m not even going to address the fact that she thought I should be doing ALL the household chores by myself even though we both work full time.)

She went on to say that her theory was that my mom must be terrible at cleaning too and she didn’t raise me very well so she thought that if he could just relay back information to her on how my mom cleans that she would then know what’s wrong with me and could teach me how to clean “the right way”.

In disbelief, my husband told her that he would not be spying for her or relaying back any information at all.

Upset, my mother-in-law insisted that she was only trying to help him out by making me a better housekeeper.

Stunned, my husband said that he had to go and ended the call.

As hubby finished telling me the story I was struggling to find the right words to respond without breaking out laughing or crying….. either one was a possibility at that point.

Suddenly, his cell phone rang, mother-in-law was calling. I looked at the caller id like it said the black plague was calling, secretly wishing that I could melt the phone into a puddle of bubbling plastic with my eyes. Smart man that he is, hubby let her call go to voicemail.

to be continued……

The Bad Son

2010-09-14T12:01:00.000-07:00

Not long after hubby and I got married and got settled into our new place mother-in-law began calling us regularly. Was she calling us to say hi? …..No. To visit or see how we were doing? ……No. She was calling us because she had washed the sheets on her bed and she wanted us to come and make her bed with clean sheets.

I’m serious. She wanted us to come and make her bed for her. She complained that it was because her sheets were tight and she didn’t have the strength to pull them across her mattress. Now, at the time it sounded valid and we went over and made her bed a couple of times.

Then she started calling to have us come over and help her do some cleaning, or to change the lightbulb on her bedside lamp, or to sweep the sidewalk outside of her house.

At first we would go over and help out with the things that she asked but before long hubby and I decided to start telling her no. Many of the things she was asking us to do were things that she could easily do for herself….after all, she’s only in her 50’s, hardly old and decrepit. ….We didn’t tell her that was our reason though but I almost wish that we had. We did however tell her that she should buy bigger sheets for her bed so that she wouldn’t have trouble making it.

For weeks afterwards she called my husband and told him that he was a bad son. She threatened and cried and tried to guilt trip him into coming back out. The weird thing about the whole situation was that hubby had only recently moved back into town before he and I got married. Finally one day when she called, he asked her what on earth she ever did while he was living in another city…….she didn’t have an answer. Then, suddenly, the calls stopped.

A few weeks after that we found out that mother-in-law called hubby’s grandma and had gotten her to drive from her home over an hour away to come and clean mother-in-law’s house.

That’s right. Hubby’s grandma, who is in her 70’s was coming to clean the house for mother-in-law who is in her 50’s. She couldn't be bothered to clean her own house but still wanted it clean, so she just found the next person who she could guilt trip into cleaning for her. Or when grandma wasn’t available, mother-in-law would call and guilt trip hubby’s aunt into making the drive to come clean her house.

And no, in case you're wondering, my mother-in-law is not disabled or physically handicapped.

Guest Blog - You mean, you aren't wearing white?

2010-09-07T05:43:00.000-07:00

I am so excited to host my very first guest blog. This blog is from a very sweet girl who follows my twitter account (@my_motherinlaw) and she has really identified with some of the stories in my blog. She, of course, wishes to remain anonymous....just in case her own little slice of crazy ever happens to stumble across this blog.

You mean, you aren't wearing white?

Wedding dress shopping is every girl's dream. Spending hours upon hours looking at bridal magazines, choosing the right place to get it, the right sale, the right color, and having all of your closest friends with you while everyone fawns over you happens once in a lifetime. My story doesn't really go like that at all.

After my now husband proposed after 5 years of dating, we got right to work on the wedding plans. My mom, sister, and I had some errands to run in another town so we stopped in at a bridal shop just to look around. After seeing a designer dress on a mannequin and wanting to try it on "just for fun", I quickly realized that I had found "the dress"! I called my bridesmaids to tell them that I was pretty sure it was THE one, but I wanted to plan for them all to come for the fun of it!

After going with my girls and deciding that in fact, it was THE dress, I thought maybe I would be nice and invite my MIL to come see the dress. So, I called her up, she was so excited, and we went the following weekend.

This is where the story goes straight down the tubes.

Thankfully, I was smart and brought one of my BM's with me, because we had no idea where this would end up.

I come out of the dressing room, beaming, because I am IN LOVE with my dress. MIL takes one look at it and says "You mean, you aren't going to wear white? B says he loves you in white!" Not "wow, that is beautiful" or anything like that. I say "this dress is ivory, and 95% of women do not look good in a stark white dress. Also? It doesn't come in just "white" I am pretty sure." MIL proceeds to track down a saleswoman at the salon and asks to see a color swatch if it does come in white.

What do you know? It does come in white, but with silver detail instead of my ivory with gold detail. We had a December 15th wedding, I loved the gold with the thought of our candlelit ceremony. And guess what? IT WAS MY DRESS, NOT HERS! I was so embarrassed that she was hassling the saleswoman. I don't remember how that part of this story ends, I think she just saw my evil eyes and dropped it. I wasn't really looking for her approval anyway. I was just trying to be nice.

Fast forward 10 minutes: I am getting out of my dress and ready to be done with this whole adventure, but MIL has something else up her sleeve. She wants me to try on some other dresses. At this point, I was about to come undone. My BM assured me that I wouldn't change my mind and just said to humor her for 10 minutes and that we would make it known that we wanted to get going.

SHE WANTED ME TO TRY ON OTHER DRESSES. REALLY? And she had NOTHING nice to say about the dress I picked out! Even if it was bright purple, see through, with leather trim, she could have at least said SOMETHING nice. I was fuming. I couldn't wait to leave. And I told my soon to be hubby when we got home that I wasn't "being nice" anymore because it generally gets me burned.

Angela Denise

2010-08-31T11:23:00.000-07:00

Shortly after we were married, hubby and I took my mother-in-law out for lunch. While we were driving to the restaurant MIL brought up the topic of grandchildren. You know how those conversations go….”Sooo, when are you two kids going to make me a grandma?”

We casually laughed it off and replied that we weren’t really thinking about that yet. We were just enjoying being married for now.

MIL was disappointed and said she hoped that we wouldn’t wait too long. After all, she couldn’t wait to have her little Angela Denise.

Stop. Rewind.

“Your little who?” I asked her.

“Angela Denise,” she repeated.

Yep. She went on to explain that she had always wanted a daughter and she had picked out her favorite girls name years ago. However, since my husband ended up being her only child she explained that she’d decide that we would name the first granddaughter Angela Denise. Just like she’d always wanted.

I nervously laughed, and made a comment about how usually the parents are the ones that pick out the name for their own children.

Wrong move.

She immediately got very upset and said that she thought it was the least we could do since she never had a girl and we would probably have plenty of children. After all, if we wanted to honor her as the bible says that you should honor your father and mother then that’s what we would do.

Somewhat incredulous and with hubby trying not to laugh, I let the conversation end right there. He’s a bit more used to the way that she is and laughs it off, I can still be pretty shocked. I guess we will end up crossing that bridge (read: fighting world war 3) whenever hubby and I do have children but we have ZERO intention of ever using the name that she conveniently picked out.

It Lurks In The Night

2010-08-24T08:57:00.000-07:00

It was a dark and stormy night. The wind was howling through the trees as rain beat against the bedroom window. Inside the bedroom hubby and I lay peacefully asleep, wrapped in each others arms, lost in a dream world of newlywed bliss.

Suddenly, a loud ring shattered the silence. Barely awake hubby slowly turned towards the night stand and picked up his cell phone. The caller ID showed mother-in-law’s phone number. Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes hubby looked at the clock, it was 2:00 in the morning. He answered the phone.
“Hello?” he said.
“Hello!” mother-in-law cheerily answered. “What are you doing?” she asked.

“Sleeping.” he replied as I turned over now, concerned that there must be an emergency for her to be calling at this time of night.
The conversation went on to reveal that she was calling because she was sitting at home bored and had decided to go to Wal-Mart and do some grocery shopping. When she went back to her car to leave she realized that she had locked her keys in her car. So she called us to see if hubby could come and try to break into her car to get her keys out.

Slightly incredulous hubby told her that he had no idea how to break into her car since it was fairly new and wasn’t as simple as the old pop-a-lock with a coat-hanger type of car. He asked if she had a spare set of keys anywhere and she said that she didn’t because the last time she locked herself out of the car she had given her spare key to someone but couldn’t remember who. Then she said that there could only be five people who might have her keys and she would just call and ask them to come bring it to her.
At this point hubby reminded her that it was 2:00 a.m. and most people were probably asleep. She acted shocked and said, do you think that’s a problem? Hubby tried to explain to her why it might be a problem to start calling a bunch of people in the middle of the night and offered instead to look up the number for 24-hour locksmith and give it to her or to call a cab to get her home for the night and she could worry about getting her car keys in the morning. She chose the locksmith and hubby called and made all of the arrangements for her.
I later found out that 2:00 a.m. trips to Wal-Mart are the norm for her.…her and a bunch of kids in college. Other than that I believe most people go during the day.

Hubby's Guest Blog! - The Bathroom

2010-08-16T19:04:00.000-07:00

To give a better picture of exactly who my mother-in-law is, I thought that it would be a great idea to share some of my husband’s childhood stories so we’ve collaborated on some blogs so now you can see that yes, she really has always been crazy.

Me: So what’s one of the really wierd things that your mom did when you were a kid?

Hubby: Um…. Oh man there’s so many.

Me: Like what?

Hubby: Oh! She used to come in the bathroom while I would be in the shower and she would come in while I was in the shower and actually use the toilet while I was in there!! She would use the excuse that we only had one bathroom and she would say “Oh, I’m “Don’t worry, I’m only going to be a minute. I’m just in a hurry. Don’t worry, I’m not listening, I’m not looking.”

Me: What?! Ewwwwwww!

Hubby: Yeah, and then other times she would come in while I was in the shower and finish getting ready to go somewhere and she would say “Oh I forgot to spray my hair. I’ll only be a minute” Or something like that.

Me: Did you ever say anything to her about it?

Hubby: Yeah I freaked out! I was like 12 years old and going through puberty and she’d just bust in.

Me: So what did she say when you freaked out?

Hubby: When I was younger she would try and convince me that it was normal for a single parent and only child and then when I was older I started realizing that it was weird and inappropriate. When I tried to tell her something like, mom, only one person at a time, she’d say “Well I can’t see anything.”

Me: So how old were you when she finally stopped?

Hubby: I was a teenager.

Me: Like….14?

Hubby: No, she still tried to do it when I was 16!

Me: GAHhhh! 16?!?!?

Hubby: She would even just walk into the bathroom sometimes without knocking while I was using the bathroom! At least then she realized that there was something wrong with it and would turn around to leave but then she would stop and say “Well, I’ll only be a second, I just need to grab something.” And then she’d keep going to do what she came in for!

Me: Ooooooh. My. Word.

Hubby: She didn’t stop that until I was 14.

Me: Why didn’t you ever lock the door?

Hubby: I did!!! She would get mad at me and stand outside the door and tell me to open it! Finally I just stopped caring and wouldn’t unlock it.

Me: Wow.

Yeah, I never even knew that she was that bad.

Wrapping Up Loose Ends

2010-08-09T11:43:00.000-07:00

Before I move on to blogging about the events in our first year of marriage I wanted to sum up a few other things that happened during our wedding planning and on the wedding day that weren’t quite long enough for a full blog on their own but that I think are important to know because some of them tie in to things that happen later on.

First: When we were planning the wedding hubby and I wanted to keep it very small, just family and close friends. This went totally against what my MIL wanted. She frequently tried to convince us to let her invite more people, many whom hubby and I had never even met. We never did concede that point but when we were addressing envelopes for our wedding invitations we made the mistake of asking her to help us write the addresses. About halfway through our stacks of envelopes I noticed that MIL was addressing some envelopes and slipping them in the bottom of the finished pile instead of putting them on top. Later, when I looked at the bottom of the stack I saw that she had been addressing invitations to the very people that hubby and decided not to invite.

Second: By the time our wedding day had come and after everything that my mother-in-law had tried to do with our music, flowers, food, and much more; I knew I wasn’t comfortable having her in my dressing room while I was getting ready. That doesn’t mean that she didn’t try to get in. I actually had to ask my (at the time) 17 year old little brother to stand in outside my dressing room door to keep her out. Of course, it didn’t take long before she tried to come in to the dressing room, my little brother stepped in front of the door and told her that I had asked for no one else to come in the room. My bridesmaids and I could hear everything that was happening on the other side of the door. At first she was very sweet and told him that she just wanted to see what I looked like. He was firm and repeated that I had asked that no one else come in the dressing room. She tried again and he was firm again. Then she started getting upset and demanding that he stepped aside, saying that she had a right to go in no matter what. As her temper escalated, so did her voice and she was yelling at my little brother to let her in. Then the cherry on top of the whipped cream. She tried to physically shove him out of her way. My little brother calmly stayed in place like a tree and unable to move him, she stormed off furiously. When we could hear that she was gone I opened the door and gave my little brother a big hug while he looked at me with wide eyes and said that he was so sorry for what I was getting myself into.

This will tie in very relevantly in something that happened a few years later, more on that to come. I’ve also decided that whenever hubby and I get around to having babies that I am going to ask my little brother to stand guard outside of the delivery room. Nuff’ said.

I sometimes think about Jennifer Lopez’s character in the movie “Monster-In-Law” and say to myself….if she thinks she had it bad…we need to have a talk. lol

Seven things about me

2010-08-06T05:58:00.000-07:00

I was completely thrilled this week to learn that I’d received an award from two lovely blogger ladies. The conditions of the award would thrill the heart of any blogger.

#1 – Pass the award along to your favorite bloggers and #2 – Share seven things about yourself. So here goes.

The Beautiful Blogger Award. :)

Favorite blogs:

1) Emerging Mummy

2) The Tales of Two Taylors

3) Busyland

4) A Pandora Box

5) WashingTina

Seven things about myself:

Now this part is tricky because my blog is supposed to be anonymous and while MIL isn’t what you might call “tech savvy” and I’m not too concerned about her ever finding this blog, there is always “what if”……

1) I’m in my early 20’s. Yep, I married young….much younger than I ever thought I would in fact but I met this crazy guy who was just too amazing to ever let go.

2) If you want to make me deliriously happy, let me sit on the couch and watch old episodes of Frasier. I’m a dork, I know but it makes me laugh SO much! I mean come on, who doesn’t love Niles?

3) I grew up in a large family and learned very early in life how to have a lot of patience with other people. If I hadn’t my relationship with my mother-in-law would probably be even worse than it is.

4) I love animals, especially ones with fur…reptiles and amphibians….not so much.

5) I’m very organized and slightly OCD (I probably wouldn’t admit it even if I knew that I was really a lot OCD) :P ….but I don’t think that I am. Just a little bit. lol

6) When I asked my husband what I should put on this list he said, “Put on there that you don’t like to touch movies from the Redbox because you think they’re dirty.”

7) I am horrible at finding things. Seriously. I can’t even find things that are sitting right in front of my nose. My mom gave up asking me to look for things when I was a kid and my husband gave up after about a year of marriage.

....it didn't seem quite right to "award-back" the bloggers who gave me the award but they are great blogs that I enjoy reading and I definitely do suggest that you check them out. :) Making the Mundane Magical and Motherhoot

You didn't REALLY want that.....did you?

2010-08-04T10:54:00.000-07:00

When hubby and I came back from our honeymoon we returned to a living room full of wedding gifts. Giddiness ensued and we had a blast opening our presents, leaving a trail of glitter, bows and wrapping paper.

When we were all done I let my OCD kick in and I neatly arranged all duplicate gifts in a neat little pile along with some non-duplicate gifts that….let’s face it….were a little bit on the ugly side and needed to be hidden from the public forever.

A couple of days later my mother-in-law came over to our little one bedroom apartment to bring the top of our wedding cake that had been properly frozen so that we could preserve it for the traditional munching on our one year anniversary.

After MIL handed me the cake she began walking around and admiring different things around our apartment. At first I was flattered but that soon turned to confusion as she began to pick things up and place them in a neat little pile in the living room.

Hubby and I watched bewildered for a minute and then went to put the cake top in our freezer. When we came back to the living room she had finished with her pile and picked up a crystal pitcher that was sitting on a shelf, she asked me if I actually liked it, I told her that I did like it and she let out a disappointed sigh. She said that she would really love to have it for herself and that she probably appreciated that style more than I did. She reluctantly put the pitcher down and walked over to the duplicate gifts that we had set aside waiting to be returned to the store and began picking through them and adding to her pile of things she’d taken from around the apartment. Hubby asked her what she was doing and she said that she was just looking for the things that she liked because we had received so many gifts she felt that we should share with her because she’d been so “helpful” with the wedding planning. Thinking that this was surely a joke I pointed out that she had picked up things that we were actually using.

MIL huffed and said that she didn’t think that it was very nice of us to be so selfish but she would put back the things that we were using and just take from the gifts that we were returning. I said that we were planning to use the money from the returned gifts to buy some things that we still needed, like curtains for our room.
Then she started getting angry.

She walked into the kitchen and started poking around in the cabinets. I asked her what she was looking for and she said that she was looking for some dishes that she had bought for us because it looked like we had enough without them and she wanted to return them and get her money back. Hubby then told her that we had planned on keeping the dishes and didn’t want her to take them back.

MIL slowly turned to face us with glaring eyes and said that she was very hurt and disappointed that we were being so selfish! She gathered her purse, turned up her nose and walked out the door.

The Parents Journey to the Dark Side

2010-07-26T11:27:00.000-07:00

As hubby and I drove off into the sunset for our honeymoon we were unaware that we were also leaving my parents as prey for the pent up anger of the mother-in-law. We didn’t find out what happened until we got back from our honeymoon and I called my mom to check in. This is what happened….

After the wedding my parents and siblings went back to the place that they were staying to relax and prepare to go home the next day. They were unaware of the terror that was boiling over them like a dark storm cloud, churning with lightning, ready to strike.

As they were packing for their drive home in the morning my father heard a sharp knock on the door. When he opened the door he was confronted with the figure of my mother-in-law, standing on the doorstep, her eyes dancing with fire. Before he could say hello she had pushed her way inside and began to yell.

Literally. Yell.

She yelled at my parents. In front of my little brothers and sisters who stood and watched in amazement as her fury rained down.

She berated my father for not contributing any money towards the cost of the wedding. She ranted that if he had simply stepped up to his responsibilities and been a man that things could have been so much easier and there would never had to have been a wedding budget!

Big problem with her logic…. she had no idea what she was talking about. You see, hubby and I had never discussed our wedding finances with her, she knew that we were on a budget while planning the wedding and had tried many times to find out about it but with no success. So she assumed that the only reason we must be on a budget is because my parents hadn’t given us any money.

My parents were momentarily shell shocked as she screamed and hollered but then my dad interrupted my mother-in-law mid stream and simply said, “I’m very sorry that you feel that way but now you need to leave.” Then he opened the door and she stormed out.

That’s all I know that happened that evening. That was also the last time that my parents have seen my mother-in-law to this day.

I hope that one day I will have the grace and patience of my parents. I hope that I will be able to not worry about defending myself when confronted with an irrational and false accusation, to keep my cool when my blood wants to boil.

But everyone gets married under an arch!!!

2010-07-16T07:44:00.000-07:00

Oy vey, remembering all of this wedding drama still makes me go bug-eyed in disbelief. I mean the - WHO DOES THAT – type of bug-eyed.

The day before the wedding, our wedding party bounced happily into the church to rehearse the ceremony, as we turned the corner in the hallway our giddiness came to a halt. Outside of the sanctuary we were met with a towering white aluminum arch, draped generously with yards of fluffy white tulle, interspersed with clumsy bunches of faded silk flowers that were at least 30 years old, dusty vines of fake ivy, and the crowning glory, two stuffed white doves, dead center at the top of the arch stiffly glaring down at us in obvious disapproval.

Standing next to this concoction that could only have been dreamt up by a deep south version of Frankenstein’s bride, stood my mother-in-law. Grinning from ear to ear like the Cheshire cat she announced that she was just about to install the archway at the end of the aisle so that we could get married beneath its aluminum curves. As my maid-of-honor turned slowly towards me, wondering if I was about to cry or laugh, I gathered my jaw up off of the floor and stuttered a thank you with all of the sincerity that I could possibly muster and then I stood up straight, looked MIL in the eye and said that the decorations were already set and that I did not want the arch in the sanctuary.

MIL let a gasp escape her lips as her eyes darted over to her sister for support. Her sister simply walked over to the archway and started taking the archway apart to put it back in storage while the fake doves glared down at her. MIL clenched her jaw, overruled, she walked away silently.

The next day, on the morning of the wedding, my mother went to the church early to make sure that all of the final details were taken care of, when she walked into the sanctuary, there at the end of the aisle was that hideous archway with the triumphant dead doves looking out on the empty chairs that would soon be filled with guests.

I love my mother. She marched right up the aisle and immediately started taking the arch down. While she was in the process of dismantling, the MIL walked in. MIL immediately demanded that she stop and angrily declared that the arch was staying where it was, saying that she and her sister had worked hard to put it together and no one had the right to take it down. My mother looked her squarely in the eye and told her that I had very specifically said that I did not want the arch, what I said is what goes, and she turned and continued taking the arch down.

MIL furiously stormed out of the sanctuary to find some other trouble.

(if you haven’t read about the other trouble from that day, check out my earlier blogs)

The Meeting

2010-07-02T13:58:00.000-07:00

After a string of wedding planning problems (see "The Fat Lady is Singing" “What’s In a Rose?” “Meatballs”), all of which involved my mother-in-law I was getting to the end of my rope so hubby (at the time fiancé) and I decided that we needed to have a sit down talk with her to set things straight.

We set up a time one evening after work and sat down at the kitchen table all together. Knowing that MIL is easily offended hubby and I decided to keep things very general and not talk about her specifically. The conversation went something like this:

Us: “There seems to be some confusion with a few people who are helping us with the wedding. Because of that we just wanted to make sure that we clarified with everyone that once either of us makes a decision, that is the final decision and nobody should do anything to change it.”

MIL: ….

The rest is kind of a blur, MIL stood up from the table and started screaming while future hubby and I sat shocked and speechless! The essence of what she said was that she couldn’t BELIEVE that we would dare to be so disrespectful as to try and correct any adult (yep we were both adults too) and so forth. The one quote I specifically remember is: “SO YOU THINK THAT THIS IS YOUR WEDDING NOW?!!?! YOU THINK THAT YOU GET TO MAKE ALL THE DECISIONS?!?!?”

Ummmm….. Yep.

Bride…. groom….that’s kind of the way that it goes, ya know. We’re the ones getting married so technically that does make it our wedding.

Did we say that to her? Well, no. That was right before household objects started being thrown in future hubby’s direction and we were chased out the front door while she screamed that we were never allowed back in her house. Ever. Again.

The Jewelry

2010-07-01T07:03:00.000-07:00

When mother-in-law suggested that the two of us go shopping for wedding jewelry, I naively agreed. You have to remember, at that point I was still oblivious to her true ways. We bee-bopped around the mall checking out jewelry counters and generally had an uneventful time, I found a necklace and pair of earrings that I loved but mother-in-law suggested that I not get them yet and keep looking just in case I found something that I liked better. It made good sense so I agreed.

A few days later I decided that I definitely wanted the set so I went back and purchased them, thrilled to my toes about being one step closer to the wedding I gleefully told my mother-in-law that I’d bought them. I was met with silence. She scowled and then insincerely threw me a line about being glad that I was happy.

It wasn’t until over a month later that hubby and I overheard her telling her sister on the phone that she was upset that I’d bought my jewelry because she had been planning to buy it for me as a gift. She went on to say that after the wedding she planned to bring up how expensive they were and use that to get me to come clean her house for her 3 or 4 times.

Note to self: Do not accept gifts from mother-in-law that may have cost her more than $5.

Meatballs

2010-06-29T05:48:00.000-07:00

Remember the last blog where my mother-in-law called my florist behind my back to try and change my flower order to the flowers that she thought I should have gotten? (see “What’s in a rose?”) Well, she did the same thing with my food.

As a true blue southern lady according to her, what is a wedding without meatballs? I’m not the biggest fan of meatballs and having already made some concessions on my food so that “her family could have something to eat”….apparently southern people can’t eat weird things like tomato bruschetta and fresh fruit….. so when I found out that she’d called the caterer behind my back to add meatballs to the menu I stuck to my guns and said no.

So what happened? On the day of the wedding she and her sister made meatballs themselves, brought them to the reception, and plopped them on the serving table with the rest of the food.

She won that one.

What’s in a rose? Alternately titled: You’ve got to be freaking kidding me!!

2010-06-26T12:53:00.000-07:00

For my wedding I decided to completely break away from roses, I know, I know, it’s the traditional romantic flower but I have always loved lilies. When I told my mother-in-law my plans she had an absolute fit. Her face morphed through 20 different stages of anger and sadness. She did not understand how on earth anyone could have a wedding without roses! Everyone in her family had always had roses at their wedding and, well, it’s just the way that things are done!

I stood my ground and after a few days she seemed to recover from her despair. Soon afterwards I picked a florist and in no time we had all of the arrangements and bouquets settled on. I was in wedding planning heaven.

Time went by and it was only a couple of months before the wedding. One afternoon I got a call from my florist saying that she just wanted to confirm with me before she changed my order. She said that my mother-in-law had called and let her know that I had changed my mind and wanted to switch out all of the lilies for roses.

I had to sit down.

I told the florist that no, I had not changed my mind and I never asked my mother-in-law to call and change anything. I asked her to keep my order just as it was and to only make changes if I asked her to do them myself.

Fast forward to two weeks before the wedding. Tragically my florist’s husband was diagnosed with advanced cancer. He was scheduled for his first treatment the day before the wedding. We agreed that since my mother-in-law had 15 years of experience with flowers that the florist would drop everything off at her house the night before and then my mother-in-law would bring them to the wedding venue so that the florist could be with her husband.

The morning that MIL was supposed to bring the flowers to the venue she walked in the door carrying a five gallon bucket of death. The once beautiful and vibrant flowers were limp, hanging over the sides of the bucket as they gasped their last breaths through brown wilted petals. She looked straight into my horrified eyes and said, “Don’t worry honey I’m just going to run out and pick up some new flowers for you. I know just where to go.”

I know what you’re thinking and you’re right. She left ALL of the flowers in her garage all night long, in the cruel southern heat. She was determined, down to the very last minute to have her way. I knew in an instant that if she went to get flowers, she would come back with roses.

So, on the morning of my wedding I had to send the only other person available to try and find new flowers, my 17 year old little brother. My brother is amazing and he came back two hours before the wedding with huge bunches of gladiolas, lilies, and alstromeria. My mom immediately began taking apart the bunches of flowers and turning them into arrangements. I asked my mother-in-law to use her 15 years of floral industry experience and help make the arrangements. She looked at me with a scowl and muttered that she was too busy to do that.

Sure. Busy. I could tell she was super occupied while she walked aimlessly around moping for the next two hours.

My poor mom worked as quickly as she could and with the help of my little sister she finished putting all of the arrangements together 15 minutes before the wedding was supposed to start. She came in my dressing room and she and my older sister helped me put my gown on. Tears welled up in my mom’s eyes as she told me that I looked so beautiful. She then quickly changed into her own dress and did her makeup, by the time her makeup was done there wasn’t even enough time left to do her hair. We all rushed over to the sanctuary just in time for the bridesmaids cue to walk down the aisle. My mom was escorted down the aisle in the middle of my bridesmaids.

I love my mom. I don’t know where I would have been without her. Major hearts to my little brother too.

The fat lady is singing

2010-06-25T13:29:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks after hubby (at the time, boyfriend) proposed, future mother-in-law asked if I had any favorite opera wedding songs. Puzzled, I asked her why and she said that she had a friend who was an opera singer who could sing the processional for us at the wedding.

Yep, an opera singer.

Holding back the giggles I told her that I really appreciated it but opera really wasn’t my style and I had already planned on have an instrumental processional. Future mother-in-law burst into tears and hysterically sobbed that she just couldn’t call her friend and cancel, she’d already booked the whole thing.

Hubby reacted swiftly to my –deer in the headlights- expression and told her that she shouldn’t have done anything without talking to us first and she’d just have to cancel it all. Then he looked at me and shrugged while mother-in-law buried her face in her hands to finish crying it out.

To Set The Stage

2010-06-19T16:22:00.000-07:00

To give a clear picture for this blog, here’s the situation. Hubby and I have been married for nearly 4 years. We have no children yet, by choice, but it’s a constant source of concern and questioning from the MIL.

My mother-in-law is single. She’s never been married and she only has one child, my husband. Which means that she has PLENTY of time to concentrate on, you guessed it, me and the hubby! Lucky us.

Oh. Lest I forget, she does have two dogs.

Clue #2 - Isn't that illegal?

2010-06-17T07:12:00.000-07:00

I’m not from here. I’m from a state about half the country away. Hubby and I met in college, two months later we moved half way across the country from each other and THEN we began dating. After 5 months of a long distance relationship I moved to the city that he called home to see where this relationship would take us. Being new to the area and having nowhere to stay my (at the time) boyfriend’s mother graciously offered me a room in her home. The room had recently been vacated by my husband’s cousin, who had stayed with her while going to college in the city.
If only I had known then what I know now.
I soon got a job and settled into a work schedule. Little did I know that my schedule and habits were being closely watched by the seemingly innocent future mother-in-law who I was now roommates with.
One day I got off of work early and eagerly headed to the house to shower and get ready for a romantic dinner with my boyfriend. When I arrived at the house I walked in the door to find a very startled future mother-in-law sitting at the kitchen table, stiff with shock, looking at me with wide eyes and a bank statement gripped tightly in her fingers.
It was not her bank statement.
After she recovered from the shock of seeing me she began nervously stuttering something about opening the cousin’s mail that still came to her address, she knew she shouldn’t have but she was so curious that she couldn’t help herself! With each word her voice grew more confident, then with a devious glint in her eye, her voice raised as she triumphantly said, “And besides I just knew he was being irresponsible with his money and now I have proof!”
Speechless, I turned away and slowly walked down the hall to my room, but that was not the end.
When I got to my room I began pulling out clothes out of my drawers to change into. I opened my underwear drawer and paused, something seemed different…not quite as I left it. A suspicion fluttered into my head… but no! I quickly dismissed it and continued with what I was doing. I told myself that I must have messed it up myself and just forgotten.
Over the next few weeks I continued to notice things in my room strangely out of place. My papers would be out of place, drawers looked like they’d been rifled through, usually it was my underwear drawer.
One day my closet door was left open. I knew that I had not left it open. I started locking my bedroom door.
Oh, and don’t ask me why the underwear drawer, I don’t know and I don’t want to know.

My First Clue

2010-06-16T11:46:00.000-07:00

The first time that I ever met my mother-in-law I had come to visit my hubby (at the time, my boyfriend) and she wanted to take us out to dinner. We had a good dinner, I really don’t remember anything eventful, that is, until the end. When the waitress came with the bill she pulled out a credit card that looked like it had been mugged. The card was snipped straight down the middle and then snipped again, jaggedly, 4 or 5 times across the edges. She handed it to the waitress with a straight face and said, “You may not be able to run it but you can just enter the numbers to charge it.”

That should have been my first clue.

I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right. In a fit of responsibility she had decided to do something about her tens of thousands of dollars in credit card debt and cut all of her cards up and thrown them in the trash. A few hours later the self control wore off when she was watching QVC and saw something she wanted to buy. She slunk back to the scene of the crime and pulled the tattered, abused card out of the trash, taped it back together and gleefully called up QVC to place her order.